I’ve been struggling with learning to slow down. Maybe it is a mindset that I idealize yet can’t actually adopt. I’m working on it and today, TODAY is one for the record books for me.
Our son woke up and started yelling commands out around 6:45 a.m. We managed to stall him until 7:30 with loud exchanges parried across the hall. These are an absolute normal occurance every weekend and it brings a smile to my face despite the inssesant “Mama, Mommy, Mas” that he fires off in any given five minute span. So we got up and got moving around the house…cleaning bathrooms and floors, cooking breakfast, playing legos, washing and putting dishes away all with Masha and Bear episodes playing in the background. A fairly typical weekend day for us.
We usually have issues getting nap time in on the weekends, time gets away from us and before we know it we’ve missed the golden window. Not today…I made it a point to go upstairs and get Bug down for a nap. What actually happened is that I got to take a nap with him. Talk about slowing down. Deep breath. I’m currently writing this while he continues to snooze. My heart is swollen right now. THIS is life. A nap with my Little Love on a beautiful spring Sunday.
My hope is that I can forge a path that will allow me to work from home so that I can enjoy being his mommy more, a wife more, me more. I’m on the verge of a new calling and life path. I’m determined and committed to a better way to live. A slower pace, focused on a life I am wrapped up in – sharing encouragement, love and wellness.
For now, I’ll bask in the success of slowing down today. One day at a time.
I start a 21 day mind, body, soul detox tomorrow. Yoga, mindful eating and asking myself questions that require space and deep thoughts to answer. I’m excited and nervous. I know I’m on a precipice and I will be changed after this. I’ve been headed this direction for some time now. It feels like it’s time, my body is craving some kind of change, my mind needs a challenge and my soul, well my soul is always searching, learning, adapting and growing.
My thoughts have been leaning towards a need to feel fulfilled. I will never risk security (physical or financial) for my family in pursuit of my need for fulfillment. It is sad to hear that in such a raw statement but it is true. I think so many of us relate to this in reality…and that is where our journey in life veers off in a direction we can become bitter about. I am not bitter, my journey thus far has been timed out and planned by a force far greater than I. My journey has not made any sense to me at times yet I have landed in a place that makes all the pieces fit together just as they were intended to.
I’m not sure what fulfillment means to me just yet. These are the thoughts that plague me. I don’t allow myself enough space to dive deep to answer these questions and I need to. Also, don’t mistake a need to feel fulfilled with an idea that I’m not feeling that way now. Maybe, “more fulfilled” is a better way to describe what I’m looking for.
Let’s see what unfolds in the next several weeks. Shifts in perspectives and excavated dreams may be reborn. I’m determined to LIVE and ENJOY my life – adding memories to the collection that my loved ones get to keep in their hearts of me long after this life is over.
I started and completed my very first Whole 30 in January of this year. If you aren’t familiar with what that is, I recommend visiting www.Whole30.com. They are the experts and will be able to best answer questions you may have. In a nutshell, it is an eating plan that helps you eliminate preservatives, sugars and other possible food related allergens from your diet for at least 30 days. The purpose of doing this is to allow your body to heal from consistent systemic inflammation. You can then SLOWLY reintroduce foods and pay attention to which foods cause you to not feel so great. Sounds like fun right?
Oh man, this is much harder than it first appears. It is not impossible to do but it is a challenge. Reading lables, not eating any added sugars, no preservatives, no dairy, no legumes, no soy, no gluten, no grains…at first you wonder what the hell you just signed yourself up for. When you start to read ladles especially. Good night batman- nothing is safe! I should rephrase that not much that is processed is safe.
Fruit, veggies, meats, good fats and most importantly coffee are welcome. The plan is to eat three meals and to eat enough at those meals to fill you up. No calorie counting here, you have to listen to your body.
I am trying to slow down. Life has a pace that is hard to keep up with not just sometimes but most of the time. Work commitments, house upkeep, meal plans, routines -all necessary however the speed at which we tackle them all seems to have multiplied a thousand fold since I was a child. I’m trying to consciously recognize this and slow my pace down. Thoughts of my dad flow in and around me reminding me that life is all too short and is intended to be memorable and enjoyed.
So, this weekend my little family of three stayed home. No outside commitments or agendas. We decided to work in the yard pulling weeds and cleaning up in preparation for spring to well, spring. Our little Bug was his curious self and as talkative as ever. He did really well staying busy adding to his rock collection as his dad and I worked.
The next day, we made our way to a local park where after a dozen trips with mommy down the twirly slide, we finally managed to convince Bug that he was capable of going down by himself. He did it, just like a big boy and then proceeded to wear the path out down the slide. It was at that point that I had a little reality check, he wasn’t going to be my small little Bug forever. It is a blessing and a curse for me to watch this child grow up, it stretches me in the best possible way. Thankfully he still wanted me to escort him to the top of the slide each time he went down. Little did he know that I needed it just as much as he needed to slide down by himself.
I want to remember these days which are so fleeting. I want to be present and concious while he wants and needs my attention. We played chase and ran around in a field enjoying the simple joy of hanging out with each other. These are the days that lives are made of -play dates, silly games and monumental accomplishments like going down the slide by yourself.
I’ve been missing for two years. The last post was where my life left off. Lost and adrift trying to understand that my dad, who was only 59.5 years old was gone from this earth. Instead of a first birthday celebration for our son, we buried my dad.
It is sobering to realize that we have managed to collect ourselves and move forward a little over two years now. I don’t want to give the impression that that was easy, it wasn’t and isn’t. It is a daily thing, never over or completely done. That isn’t the point of today’s post however. That is a topic for another time.
Here we are today! It’s good to be here, I’ve missed writing and expressing myself in this space. I’m picking up right where I left off because I refuse to delete the old posts – they capture a time in my life and details that are easily forgotten. I deleted my entire first blog, Graceful Considerations which had a pretty good run for four years and have regretted it ever since. I bet it would be pretty funny to read about my single life shenanigans now.
At any rate, here we are. How are you? How has life been treating you? I’m looking forward to updating you on my life. I hope you will wander around and stay for a bit.
I lost my dad last week. I helped my mother get him home from the hospital on Friday, January 9th. My baby sister and I were at the house to receive the hospice equipment and get training that morning. He was relieved to be home and we did everything we could to help him be comfortable. He was with us from Friday through Monday night. By Tuesday he was hanging on by a gossamer thread so that he could hug and kiss my older sister and her family that night. He was waiting for them. Just after midnight on Wednesday, January 14, 2015 he took his last breaths with all of his girls surrounding him.
We had his Celebration of Life on Satuday, January 17, 2015 and we officially burried his ashes on January 22, 2015.
I am supposed to be ready to go back to work tomorrow.
My heart hurts for so many reasons and my mind cannot wrap around the fact that the world has continued to turn while my life has been on slow motion since my dad went into the hospital on January 2nd.
There are most definitely bigger problems in the world. I know this.
I am however plagued by feeling like a failure because I cannot produce enough milk to sustain my son. I’ve managed to go longer than anyone in my family – yet I still feel… I don’t even know how to put it into words. I’m sure there will be people that read this and think “Really? You are anxious over this?” My response is – yes. I know it doesn’t make sense – I realize that it can be taken as an insult to those who couldn’t produce as long as I have been lucky to or at all for that matter. It isn’t intended to upset anyone. This is MY form of therapy. I feel like I have a mental disease… logically, I should be proud of myself and supplement where needed without issue. We are supplementing – I horde breast milk to send to daycare so that he has that at least when his dad and I aren’t close. Some days I have to mix formula in, some days he gets full bottles of breast milk and one whole one of formula. Some days he eats everything and some days he doesn’t. On the days that he doesn’t – I will swear to you that they send home the formula bottles on purpose. Does this make sense? No. No, it doesn’t. I still feel that way. Is daycare really tasting the bottles and determining which are formula and not using those, probably not. I cannot be convinced though.
I’ve had a few episodes like this – unwarrented worry and anxiety that take the form of anger. My partner in life pointed out that I slam things… and I get loud. I hate this about myself. He is right and I feel the need to “fix” myself. I was told to stop thinking I am broken or that anything needs to be fixed about me – yet all of my flaws keep bringing up issues. Issues mean that something needs to be fixed – at least that’s how I see them.
So, I feel stuck between being myself – who slams things and gets loud or needing to fix these very things about myself. I’m confused. I’m exhausted and feel overwhelmed and lost. Not all the time, more often in the last six months than anyone would recognize though.